Track 5 - Grand Finale

“Ah, the Grazie Comedy Festa is starting!”

Tao, my roommate at HAMA Tours' dorm, suddenly remembered and quickly turned on the TV. A high-definition holographic television appears on an empty wall.

I was propped up against a cushion next to Tao as I fiddled with my phone, but decided to get up and watch the show with him, “Tao, you really like comedy huh?”

Normally after dinner we would be finishing up our lessons, but since our next live show would be a bit bigger than our normal guerilla ones, our manager, Nayuki, had banned us from practicing after 9 o’clock. That’s why there was some spare time for us to watch TV.

When the comedy show started, I saw a familiar face among the commentators.

"Our guest today, Komu-kun, is a member of the popular idol group '13's'...”

When the MC introduced him, Tao reacted with a 'Geh!' and hastily reached for the remote. Knowing that he was aware of my past, he was likely just being considerate of me.

“It’s fine, Tao. I’m alright now, so let’s just watch it, okay?”

“R-Really?”

Tao looks at me sitting beside him worriedly.

When I replied that I was really fine, he said he understood and backed off.

This is one of the things I like about Tao.

The Komu-kun on TV looked much more polished and refined than the Komu-kun I knew. He was dressed in an outfit that was more befitting of an idol now, with perfectly styled hair.

But of course, he still had that genuine smile that everyone loves.

——I can still recall that day, that moment.

It was during the final audition, when they were announcing the 13th place winner who would take the last spot for the next-gen idol group.

1st to 12th had already been decided, and neither Komu-kun nor I had our names called yet.

"......We will now reveal the results.”

After the MC announced this, there was a long, drawn-out pause.

Komu-kun was the chosen one.

I wasn’t chosen.

Even now I still don’t know what was going on inside my heart at that time, that moment.

Komu-kun cries as he steps up onto the elevated stage. The other twelve chosen members embrace Komu-kun as they celebrate together.

.....Bathed in the dazzling lights pouring down on the stage, his figure shone like a star.

I could only gaze up at him along with the others that weren’t chosen.

Helplessly.

…..The curtains to “Chii’s” dream had been drawn.

That’s what I thought.

I don’t remember much from after that.

As I was heading back to the waiting room, I ran into the director who suggested I do a gyaru persona back then.

I bowed my head listlessly, and he commented, 'What a pity.'

I think I tried to smile.

It made a lot of bad memories for me, but I thought the production team had their own reasons.

I knew people didn’t like me, but I thought it was just part of the job.

But the instant he whispered in my ear, my smile vanished.

“You were actually the 13th. But Komu-kun has more charm, so the votes were tweaked a bit.”

The director then continued, “By the way, it was the producer who gave the order.”

He followed up with a laugh, leaving me baffled.

Was that a joke? Or was he being serious?

I ranked 14th, with a vote count that was just 200 votes behind Komu-kun’s.

My head was pounding, I felt sick to my stomach, and I felt like I was going to pass out.

I wonder how I even made it back home that day.

There were moments when I thought that expressing my anger and grievances might be able to flip my ranking around, but I knew it was probably useless.

After all, I don’t know if I was actually 13th place.

I was fed up with everything and shut myself in at home.

Mom was disappointed in my failure and berated me every time we saw each other. Before long I found myself unable to take a single step outside my room.

My whole life had crumbled apart.

I began to question whether there was any point in living anymore…..

But about a month later, when I checked social media for the first time in a while, I found lots of messages from people saying they missed me.

They said they wanted to see “Chii” dance again. I felt bad for suddenly disappearing for a month and worrying everyone, but it also made me happy to see how much they cared.

I've got to get back to work.

My sisters' school fees wouldn’t pay for themselves.

I knew I couldn’t just abandon them.

So I decided to start moving forward little by little and began my activities on Dazzle.

I thought I’d try living as “Chii” again.

Even though it felt like the remnants of a bygone life, at the moment, it was all I had.

All of my frustration, fear, pain, along with the burning desire to curse the world; I poured all of it into my dances.

I knew about all of “13’s” impressive accomplishments after my failed debut, but I tried not to look into them.

I got a DM from Komu-kun once, but I couldn't bring myself to reply. I didn't even read it in the first place. I was scared that if I opened that DM, I'd be consumed by jealousy and turn into a monster.

While I had plenty of haters, I also had people who supported me.

So... that's why, I had to survive. I had to keep on living.

To do that, I needed somebody, anybody to see my worth...

I think I’ve been desperate for that for a long time.

As I watched the comedy show with Tao, memories of the past flashed in my mind, coming and going one by one.

On the screen, Komu-kun was smiling from ear to ear and seemed to be genuinely enjoying the comedians' performances.

——Komu-pi must know I was arrested for fraud, right?

It was in the news, after all.

He might also know that I made my return as a prisoner idol, and that I was active in Ev3ns.

——Nah, there's no chance a member of the famous “13's” would know about a low-level idol like me.

Through the TV screen, Komu-kun spoke with that same honest smile he had back then.

“I'm from KOBE. Now that I’ve shown my parents my gratitude, I’m thinking of doing something for my hometown next.…..”

“…..This Komu-kun guy, I was his roommate during the audition show.”

“Eh, really?”

I muttered it offhandedly, but Tao seemed surprised. His nonchalant attitude made my complaints slip out.

“Komu-kun’s smile is pure and innocent like an angel’s, isn’t it? It’s nothing like my fake one, and it’s cute too.”

Ah.

Alarms were ringing in my head.

I told myself that I was over it, that I wouldn’t compare myself like that anymore.

But I still couldn’t help the self-deprecating words that spilled out. It was like an old bad habit that was ingrained in me.

My heart pounded, an uneasy feeling settling in. I was terrified of Tao’s reaction so I lowered my gaze.

But the answer I received was unexpectedly straightforward.

“Hmm, really? I don't really get it. I like your smile though.”

Hearing him say something like that so casually, I raise my head without realizing it.

Tao continues with a straight face.

“Isn't it up to personal preference? I've always liked your cat eyes more than those droopy ones.”

…….

Woah, Tao.

“Tao! You’re such a meanie!”

Before I knew it, I was punching Tao in the shoulder.

Tao let out a “Hah?” and looks at me with a confused expression from the sudden punch, but I think it's deserved.

“Man~…. It’s hard being in the same room as someone who's naturally gifted at attracting delulu self-shippers¹”

“Delulu? Self-shippers? What are you talking about…..?”

Tao usually looked a bit put off in these kinds of situations.

It’s hard to explain but….

….this side of him makes me feel at ease.

My sadness disappears, and this time I’m able to look at the TV again without comparing myself to Komu-kun’s smile.

Because I know there’s at least one person here who likes my smile.

I wonder if I can read Komu-pi’s DM now? It feels a bit late, but I was the one who got jealous and cut ties on my own after all; I want to try to face him again.

But my DMs were flooded with so many hate messages now that I might not be able to find it again.

“.…Y’know, my DMs from my dazzle days were always full of hate.”

“Oh, really? Why’re you bringing this up all of a sudden?”

Ignoring Tao, I continue talking.

“Since starting activities with Ev3ns, I've been getting some really nice messages. I can see the first few lines, so I read the ones that seem nice and positive.”

“Hmm, that’s good.”

“In the pile of such trashy DMs, y’know, there are occasionally some that shine like jewels.”

“Is that so?”

Tao listened with a “So what's your point?” look.

I thought it was funny and laughed a little.

Tao probably can’t picture it, but to me, those happy messages I get once in a while are like pretty flowers blooming in the mud.

Without a doubt, I’m covered in mud.

Ev3ns isn’t a star-studded idol group like 13’s. But flowers that bloom in mud are still beautiful in their own way.

I kind of like the me who can think that way now.

At least, much more than I did before.

The curtains to “Chii’s” dream might have been drawn, but the stage for Chihiro Natsuyaki’s dream is still set.

Someday, when I can shine even more brightly——

Will I be able to make all of “Chii’s” other dreams come true too?

……To give mom the affection she wants, to give Big Sis the peace of mind she needs, and to give my little sisters the future they deserve.

If I can do that, maybe someday I can meet my father too.

I think about it for a moment, not knowing if it’s a wish or a dream.

Next to me, Tao is laughing loudly at the comedy show.

As I laugh with him, I think about how I’ll dance my best again tomorrow.

The only thing I can do.

Be it on days of joy or days of sorrow.

Whether in cramped rooms or on wide streets, whether someone is watching or no one is looking.

It’s the gift that God has given to me,

I can dance.

And with that…. I finally decided that I had no choice but to live.