Track 2- 2nd Round

Sunlight filters through the window of the small apartment. 

The shadows of the window’s lattice frame cast striped patterns across the room.

Toys for girls, all of them old and worn, some cheap makeup kits, hand-me-downs from my older sister and two younger sisters, along with my mother’s flashy dresses.

I rummage through them for something I can wear and practice my dance moves on the tatami mat.

Humming along to the idol song playing on TV, I try to mimic the dance moves shown on the screen.

I love dancing.

Because when I dance, I can make people smile.

—— Chii-chan, you dance just like a pro.

That’s what big sis said.

—— Chii-nii, can you do the dance from that one MK55 song? We wanna see it!

That’s what my little sisters would request.

I’ll do whatever it takes if it means everyone can clap and be happy.

When I dance, even this small, cramped, shabby apartment becomes my stage.

Sometimes even Mom smiles when she sees me dance.

—— I bet your dancing could make us some money.

When I told her that I got a solo dance part in my elementary school play, she laughed in response.

Right. If I could make money, would that make Mom happy….?

Would she be proud of me?

I wonder if she will finally love me this time…..

—— Wipe that smile off your face right now!

Shortly after graduating from middle school, these words were suddenly thrown at my face.

While I was juggling multiple part-time jobs to help make ends meet, my mother came home furious one day and started yelling at me. Each of her words hit me like a slap in the face.

—— You’re just like your father, nothing more than a lowest-of-the-low scumbag. If you keep this up, you’ll surely become just like that man.

….I was aware that I’m becoming more and more like my father.

Because I didn’t bear any resemblance to my sisters at all.

My dad walked out of our lives when I was too young to remember, and my Mom has always described him as a scumbag.

If I were to dance, my Mom might see me as an even bigger burden. She might not want to come home ever again.

With my mom’s frequent absences and my sisters constantly on edge, I can no longer dance within these walls.

I’ve been sneaking off between work shifts to dance in the alleyways more often. But I can’t change my face, and I can’t stop my body from growing.

….I really don’t want to keep growing.

If I become an adult, I might end up looking even more like my father than I do now.

——Hey, big sis, how can I change my face…..?

Plastic surgery? But we don’t have that kind of money.

When I couldn’t take it anymore and finally asked my sister, who was living in the same apartment with me at the time, she looked at me with a momentary sadness.

She then said, “I’ll teach Chii-chan about makeup”.

It was able to change my face a little bit.

Cosmetic tools felt like magic wands.

Since Mom has those slanted, cat-like eyes, I tried lifting the corners of my eyes to accentuate them more…..

See? I look a bit more like Mom, right?

As I danced in the corner of the street, my face reflected on the edge of a shop window, I finally felt like I looked the part with my makeup on.

——Becoming a different person like this is fine.

Suddenly, in that moment, I had a realization.

It’s okay for me to not be the real Chihiro.

It’s fine if this Chihiro is made of lies. It’s fine as long as this “me” I’ve created is loved.

I want to be someone who is loved.

Deep inside my heart, where I always felt like there was a cold, gaping hole. If I’m loved, then I’m sure even that place will become warm.

That’s what I thought.

The voices of 133 people can be heard.

Today, the contestants were asked to put up childhood photos on the walls of this lavish TV show set.

We were also asked to write our aspirations by hand and put them next to the photos, so they could be introduced during the program breaks.

There were hardly any photos of me at home.

My big sister, who now lives separately from us, somehow managed to find one and brought it to me, so I made it work.

“Chii, is this your photo!? So cute! Look at you dancing~”

Komu-kun sticks close to my side and leans in to take a closer look.

In the photo, I was dancing with an innocent smile.

I wonder who took this photo.

Maybe it was the father I’d never seen before? Was Mom by his side?

Was she smiling at me in this moment?

“What about your photo, Komu-pi?”

“Yeah, this! ……And this, and this, and this….. Which one do you think is best?”

Komu-kun pulled out a dozen photos. The other contestants around us praised them, saying, “They’re all great!”

In every photo, little Komu-kun was undoubtedly very cute. He was smiling happily in all of them; many were taken of him sitting on his parents’ laps.

“Komu, you sure got a lot of photos.” Another contestant, who was putting up his own picture, chuckles.

“I really tried to pick out the best ones…. But there are still hundreds of photos from when I was little. Pretty crazy, right?” Komu-kun says with a laugh.

Someone else jokes, “Is your house a photo studio or what?”, and everyone started laughing.

But all I felt was a coldness settling in my heart.

……Kids who are loved have it different, even in things like this. For me, it was hard finding even a single photo.

“Chihiro, your smile hasn’t changed at all.”

“You look so happy.”

The people who were teasing Komu-kun also commented on my photo.

I made a dumb joke in return, “Yeah, I’ve got that manly charm now, right?”, but deep inside, my heart hurt.

……I haven’t changed at all, huh.

It’s true that I looked happy in this photo.

Because I didn’t know this happiness I had would soon crumble away. 

——But at this moment, maybe I was truly happy.

“This happiness didn’t really last for long, y’know” I swallowed down the words that threatened to escape me.

Tomorrow is selection day. After the mission song evaluation, the show was aired. 

Many viewers are deciding who to vote for, sorting us out. The number of contestants will be reduced from 133 to just 66.

“Let’s definitely make it through tomorrow.”

Komu-kun said, pressing his shoulder against mine.

Seeing his worried face made me want to comfort him.

So I took his hand, and squeezed it tightly.

“Yeah, both me and Komu-pi will surely make it. Let’s become idols together.”

For that, I was even willing to cut down on my own practice and sleep time in order to teach Komu-kun how to dance.

Komu-kun is an honest person, and he keeps improving steadily, so I’m sure it’ll be fine.

As for me…… As for me?

Can I still make it?

I really want to.

For just a moment, I closed my eyes tightly and prayed.