Track 3 - Semi-Final

The sight of the setting sun could be seen beyond the window of the apartment.

My younger sisters, who were in elementary school, continued to anxiously stare at the entrance.

Still dressed in my middle school uniform, I kept reassuring them,

“It’s okay. If Mom doesn’t come home, your big bro will find us something to eat.”

But the truth is, I was also waiting for Mom to come home.

Once or twice a year, she’d come home in high spirits and say, “You must be hungry.”, while setting out bentos for us. I wish today was one of those days.

But that didn’t seem likely, so I tried searching the kitchen shelves, only to end up with half-eaten cornflakes and furikake.

I sighed, realizing we were out of rice.

What do I tell my little sisters? Not knowing what to do, I sat down on the kitchen floor and noticed the comic book I’d left on the shelf after I started reading it yesterday. Big sis got it from a used bookstore, and was pretty worn out now after being read so many times.

It’s a manga where a Heisei-era gyaru is the main character, and it’s my absolute favorite book.

Upon opening it, I saw the life of a cheerful, energetic, and the strongest Heisei-era gyaru ever being depicted. Reading the story alone made me feel better.

“She’s so cool….”

I can’t help but mutter to myself.

After all, the Heisei-era wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, right? There were really tough times too. Yet, she gathered all the things she thought were sparkly, things she loves, and dressed up in her own style. Despite everything, she maintained an unbothered attitude as she continued to smile and flashed her signature peace sign.

The strongest, most empowering way of life.

I want to be like that too.

In my ears, the tune of a Heisei-era idol song starts playing. Humming along, I dance up, dance lightly and spin.

At that moment, the small, dirty kitchen seemed to sparkle.

…..If I could become the ultimate gyaru-minded, dazzling idol, I wondered if everyone would love me then.

Those were my thoughts back then.

It was during the “13Choose!” audition.

Completely absorbed, almost nothing else was on my mind.

Only the routine of waking up early in the morning and intensely practicing singing and dancing until the dead of night.

Our smartphones were confiscated so we were practically cut off from the outside world. Some kids even cried because of the anxiety.

We were constantly being judged by people, sometimes being chosen if lucky, and sometimes not if unlucky…..

No matter how hard I worked, I found myself being endlessly swayed by the “likes” and “dislikes” of mere strangers, which put even more pressure on me.

Once the show aired, surprisingly, I somehow survived multiple rounds of selection.

Maybe my pink hair stood out and caught people’s attention.

Despite comments made about me saying I was great at dancing, bad at singing, and just decent at rapping, I received more viewer votes than I thought I would.

Although it was edited out, the trainers really supported me, which I was grateful for.

There are 33 contestants left. We’ve finally reached the semi-finals.

That day, the next mission was announced: Perform a cover of a classic song.

What's more, some of my favorite Heisei-era songs were included. Of course, I was overjoyed and picked my favorite song.

——If you can at least make it to the semi-finals, it’ll keep the show engaging.

At that time, the words the director said to me on our first meeting flashed in my mind.

I’ve already made it to the semi-finals.

In other words, I’m as good as gone after this round.

That’s why I decided I’ll give it my all.

I wanted to be seen as worthy of being a finalist.

33 contestants were randomly divided into different groups to perform their songs.

Individual evaluations were important, but if the group didn’t win, there’d be no recognition whatsoever.

That’s why I volunteered to be the group leader, even though it wasn't my strongest suit. I wanted to push myself to grow.

But there were still some others in my group who weren’t good at singing or dancing.

“Are you just here to play?”

The trainer’s cold words that day instantly froze the room.

One of the other contestants is called out by name and scolded. I watched as the color instantly drained from his face.

After the trainer leaves, the boy dashes out of the room in tears.

As both a leader and his friend, I couldn’t ignore it and went after him. I rubbed his back, comforting him as he cried in the corner, listening to him as he uttered, 'I'm done, I give up.' It nearly brought tears to my own eyes.

……I know how that feels. Wanting to give up.

Despite your best efforts to hold on, every day feels like a never-ending struggle filled with anxiety.

You can't help but imagine how much relief it would bring to just let it all go. It's agonizing to long for something unattainable no matter how much you want it.

But even so…… Even so, I just can’t ignore the burning feeling of not wanting to give up here.

“It’s okay. Just take it one step at a time, okay? I believe you can definitely make it. I’ll be here with you ‘til the end.”

I list all of his good qualities and traits for him to hear. Eventually the boy stopped crying, and when we returned the other group members looked at us worriedly.

I gathered my resolve, and as cheerfully as possible, I tried to quell everyone’s anxieties.

“So, as you guys already know, we’re doin’ a Heisei song this time, right? That’s why Chii’s here with a suggestion! How ‘bout we all dive into a Heisei gyaru mindset together? First, let’s give ourselves a good pep talk! When we can't do it and feel frustrated, who's the one we're most upset at? Ourselves, right? So let's get mad at ourselves first, and then let's cheer ourselves up!”

I take the lead and demonstrate first for the rest of the members who still wore cloudy expressions.

“Chihiro! Stop fucking around already! You’re completely useless too! Don’t think you can become an idol acting like that! You’re just a worthless scum who needs to push yourself harder!”

Facing the massive mirrors plastered on the wall of the practice room, I hurl insults at myself with everything I have. Glancing behind me, I could see the other members were all taken aback. I laughed and kept going.

“But still, I'm thankful for all the effort you've given so far. I have faith in you. And you've got incredible groupmates there with you.”

I could see everyone’s eyes getting misty. I hope that my feelings got across to them; that I, too, believe in them.

“Don’t give up, Chihiro! March on with a spartan mentality!”

After I finish my part, I gesture to the other members, urging them to go on ahead.

The guy who was crying just a moment ago inhales sharply, and shouts at the mirror,

“Stop crying! Instead of wasting time crying, put in the effort! You can do so much better than this!”

After venting out his frustrations his face brightened, and he encouraged himself with a smile, saying, “I’ll definitely get through this!”

Laughter broke out, and everyone gave themselves a good scolding. Afterwards, we all praised and cheered each other up, and by that point, everyone was smiling. We shifted our mindset once again and focused entirely on our rehearsals.

Our performance was a success. Bonded by the strong ties we made during rehearsal, we challenged ourselves to surpass our own limits in both dancing and singing.

We won the competition——and winning meant those votes got added to our ratings.

We all hugged each other in celebration, and even Komu-kun, who was part of a different group, said, "I could tell that Chii and the others would win the moment I saw you guys perform."

Achieving this made me feel happy. It was as if the void in my heart had been filled for the first time.

I even felt a sense of fulfillment.

Until I watched the on-air broadcast.

——Stop fucking around already! You’re completely useless too!

What is this?

What on earth… am I watching right now?

I don’t understand any of this. On the screen, the footage showed me yelling and losing my temper.

It happened when the contestants were gathered in the hall to watch the program that recently aired.

Everyone was rattled when they watched the scene of me yelling.

The “Chihiro,” I said before I started yelling, was edited out.

The member who ran out of the rehearsal room crying after being scolded by the trainer was edited to make it seem like he ran out because I yelled at him.

The boy in question, who was sitting nearby, looked at me in panic. The other members whom I went through the same challenge with turned to look at me, and called out worriedly, “Chihiro….”. 

I could only smile warmly and reassure them with my gaze.

Because……. I’m their leader, after all.

But truthfully, my mind was a mess. My heart was pounding and I felt like throwing up. It felt like raw hostility and malice were suddenly being rained on me.

They gave us back our phones for an hour after the broadcast. We’re allowed to check social media, but posting was a no-go.

Breaking the rules is an immediate ticket home. So I can’t even post to say, “That was a misunderstanding.”

If I can't defend myself, it’s best if I don’t look at it.

That was what I planned, but after locking myself in my room alone, I ended up giving in and went on an ego-search.

I knew. I knew it well, even before looking, that it would be a huge disaster.

My personal SNS account was flooded with a massive amount of hate and abusive comments.

“Low-life”, “Scum”, “Kill yourself”, “We don’t need power-hungry idols like you”, “So you were actually a piece of shit”, “Not gonna support you anymore”, ……

Everything in front of me began to spin.

Why? Why was it edited like that?

…..Was it because I’m no longer needed after the semi-finals?

My heart pounded so fast it hurt.

My breathing became shallow, and I felt like I was going to collapse at any moment.

As I crouched on the floor, I desperately comforted myself.

——Stay strong, Chihiro. Don’t let this break you, Chihiro……

That’s not me, that's a fake.

A version of me edited for convenience. A false image created by the director.

……That’s right, Chihiro Natsuyaki is okay.

It’s Chii that everyone hates.

An alert sounds through the hall, a signal it was time to collect our smartphones.

Knowing being late will lead to a penalty, I slowly rise to my feet.

I mentally urge myself to switch it up, switch gears.

After leaving my smartphone in the basket in the main hall, Komu-kun started talking to me in front of the fixed camera.

“Chii….. Are you okay?”

They're filming us right now, right? We’re clearly reflected in the camera lenses, right?

I knew he was genuinely worried about me, but I couldn’t help but wonder why he chose this place to ask.

I only smiled brightly and threw out a peace sign.

“Absolute~ly! Chii would say he’s feelin’ super duper hyped with all this attention he’s gettin’, y’know? Feeling toootally Very Lucky right now~!”

Aware of the camera's presence, I folded my arms and wondered aloud, "Did I go overboard back there?”

“Since it’s a Heisei song that Chii is head over heels for, the ‘Chii’ vibes just couldn’t be contained at all, oopsie ♪”

Playfully pressing my fist to my forehead and sticking my tongue out.

This isn’t me. This is "Chii."

It’s "Chii," so people can think whatever they want.

That’s what I thought.

With the mindset of the ultimate gyaru, Chii can sparkle and smile brightly, and because of that,

——He’d never get hurt, no matter what.